COVID-19 has brought me an awareness that I no longer have to discipline how I manage my time. I have time to notice time’s passing, time for contentment and taking happiness in the simple things of life, time to love the life I have now. I have time to give attention to my dreams and revelations. I have time to do kind things for my family. I don’t have to feel driven, but I do.
I look within myself for the source of this feeling, and I uncover a kind of perfectionism that belongs to ego. It is the perfectionism that things are not good enough as they are. It is a false perfectionism that destroys the good feeling about a thing, being, or other person. It manifests in critical judgments of myself and others, and it leaves me profoundly dissatisfied.
Having time on my hands, I have time to self examine, to look at the shadows that drive my dissatisfaction. And I have decided that these are no longer things that are important. I see the Hellebore and the Crocus poking their heads out of snow-covered ground . I observe my dog’s delight at finding one smell after another and her capacity to turn on a dime to pursue the gossip of the earth with her nose. These things are aspects of an integral world, a world whose most intimate parts fit together of a whole.
I am left getting to know this new version of Susan – she who witnesses life. Strange emotions arise. I step into them and learn. Sometimes I shake with the burden of this freedom.
Dear Creator, I don’t know what to do with the burden of this emotional freedom. Please guide my life.